Baby D 2.0

It's a different experience, being pregnant for the second time. People say you won't even have time to think about it, that all your attention is still on your first child. This is partially true, I definitely don't have as many moments to just stop, think, and wonder. Most of my moments are spent making sure my daughter is clean and fed, her little mind is growing and learning, and she is being disciplined in a firm but loving way. After all that, sometimes I have a few seconds to reflect.

However, what my reflecting has revealed is unsettling to me.

Being a laid-back person has served me well so far in life. Sure, I have social anxieties and insecurities like every introvert/human being. But in most situations, I'm easygoing and relaxed. 

In marriage, my husband and I rarely argue, because (and I know this sounds terrible) not much matters to me enough to argue about it. And because I married a smart, capable, helpful, good-looking man. I don't want to say marriage is easy, but it hasn't been hard either. 

As a mom, being laid-back has saved me from ultimate exhaustion and frustration (excluding the newborn stage, when this is INEVITABLE). My baby is eating crumbs off the floor? Nbd, I sure as heck am not sweeping twice a day. She isn't crawling yet at 9 months...so? I won't have to carry her for her whole life. My point is that I think I have a fairly realistic view of life, people, and the limit of my abilities. Which helps me not worry a lot.

But all that goes out the window. Because even though "not much matters to me", my family matters to me. My daughter matters to me. And my tiny unborn son matters to me, but the difference is that now I am acutely aware of how much. 

Before my girl was earth side and in my arms, I had no idea how fiercely I would love her. Having a baby was just a vague idea. And this change isn't something I'm even going to attempt to explain to someone who isn't a parent yet, because that would require a level of emotional depth and reflection that I just don't have energy for. I'll just say that it's so much bigger than you can imagine, and totally mind-blowing. And the fact that it's just a shadowy reflection of how much God loves us is unfathomable (is that a word?) to me.

This is unsettling because now that I know what it's like, I already have these crazy, protective instincts and intense love for my son. I would do anything to ensure that he is safe. But I can't do anything. He's still on the inside, hidden away from me where I can't see. I'm grateful for technology, which allowed us to see him today, and by all appearances, he is strong and healthy. It was an agonizing 19 weeks waiting for the good report, and it will be another agonizing 21 before he's in our arms.